Some months ago I was approached by a young couple about to tie the knot to share my thoughts on pre-marital counseling. I know they reached out to me because they value and honor my thoughts and also because they know I have navigated marriage and divorce before so I think it was a smart move on their end. They also shared that they had heard me speak at a zoom event on marriage and they liked what they heard.
Truthfully, I’m very hesitant to offer anyone marital advice. I’m more comfortable sharing my thoughts publicly or in a panel discussion than doing it one-on-one with anyone because my opinions are very unconventional – in a great way though that challenges an average-thinker. In this particular case I took a chance to share my thoughts with them and maybe it will help someone who is reading this.
A lot of marriage counselors who offer pre-marital counseling do it from a biblical perspective and a traditional one. There’s an ‘innocence’ to it because it is inherently assumed that this love is fresh and they (the couple) are starting life on a blank page. The beginning of any journey is exciting and you never know what lies ahead. The counselors do their best to paint pictures or even share experiences of the little foxes to look out for and what can create conflicts etc. but let’s face a fact – hypothesis is not reality. They prepare you as much as possible but if you speak with commanders of armies, you’ll understand that no matter their strategy for going into a war zone, when you are in the middle of the war itself, it’s a different ball game and you have to think on your feet and change strategy sometimes or you’ll be defeated.
So, I told them (the couple) what I’ve been doing – I listen to podcasts and read books from top divorce lawyers around the world. I know what you’re probably thinking but it’s far from it. I’ve learned so much about marriage and people from these podcasts that I have come to appreciate a good man when I see one and I’ve boldly told some women who even complain about their spouses that they are blessed to have the kind of husbands they have. This new found knowledge reshaped my thinking because divorce attorneys are usually in the middle of the battle, the pain, and they have seen the end of what was once a beautiful journey. They also share the reasons, catalysts and foxes that we should all be on the lookout for and make sure we don’t tow that same line. Listen, I even read marriage acts and laws from different countries to understand what breaks a good union and to make sure that when I have the opportunity to take that journey again, I’m well prepared to fight against any of these fire starters and behaviors that can ruin a beautiful union.
No one walks down the aisle with his or her enemy so seek knowledge and wisdom and be proactive to safeguard your union from anything that could possibly destroy it. Believers are sometimes so ‘sheltered’ from reality so much so that the majority of Christian marriages are struggling because we lack the practical wisdom to navigate it. Be proactive in life, not reactive.
XOXO,
Lady Abena.